watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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