I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
