All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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