the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
