Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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