so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The Olympian is in my bed
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
