life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
