sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
