your parents love me but you hate me
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He shit in the fireplace
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
