I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
