Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
