Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
porn star boner night. come get it.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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