I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
