No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
