she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
we should paint friendship bongs
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