i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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