Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just threw up on my dentist
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
