U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
