I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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