I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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