Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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