I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
