The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
