I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
