____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
