i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
