I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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