Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
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