sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
