if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
