I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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