I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
