just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
