all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
