I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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