You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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