oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
