Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
