even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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