I want to walk on stilts...naked
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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