I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Randomize
