Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
