Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
its liver damage thursday
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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