Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
