wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
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