saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
