Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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