cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
