Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
