I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
