so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
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i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
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Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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