i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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