I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
