non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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