I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
