i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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