I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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